Sometimes I wonder how I ever had time to hold down a full-time fucking job! Then I realise that’s all I was really doing… bloody working. Oh, but the $$… that’s what it was all about.
But as I’m a nerdy bloody planner, I was prepped for early retirement – mentally and financially. It took 30 years to get to that place – and I FREAKING LOVE IT!
So now I get to choose what I spend my time doing – and yep… it’s all those things I pushed to the sideline, while being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and a bloody hard worker… but now freedom is here.
The debts are gone, the kids are adults, the location is new, the circle is widened… remember that 80’s hit by Charlene? I’ve been to Paradise but I’ve never been to me… well I think I’ve now been to me…
There are bluer skies, I’ll see the ocean and mountains before I go beddy bys…
It’s official – only one week to go until I’m no longer a public servant. HOLY SHIT!
It’s been 30+ years, four different departments and countless roles – and many achievements I’m really proud of. Some of which include the implementation of Australia’s first national Paid Parental Leave scheme, Dad and Partner Pay, women’s safety measures, Intercountry Adoptions Australia and more recently the new Child Care Subsidy… but this is not a resume. Been there, done that, it’s over.
I definitely won’t miss the hectic craziness lifestyle of balancing home and work – but I will miss the people. They are scattered far and wide across this amazing country we all call home – from Bunbury, to Melbourne, to the Gold Coast, the NSW central coast… and of course Canberra! I have made some real friends over the 30 years and I will keep in touch with plenty of them for years to come (I can hear their eyes rolling). I may be gone, but I won’t be forgetting them!
So now what?
Well, it’s definitely time to move on. The brain has not been the same since it was cut open and, although I’ve fought my issues for two years, I knew what I had to do. It was time to leave the mansion…
I actually checked out a while ago.. I suppose the last 9 months could be considered a gestation of sorts? It’s like I’ve hit the third trimester of pregnancy – I’m just sitting around getting fatter and waiting for the due date. But it’s nearly here! And it looks like that it will be a rebirth of sorts – that sea change will come sooner rather than later.
But am I ready?
Ummm… hell yeah! I’m rearing to go! I’ve been practicing all freakin year for this! I have a bunch of new hobbies to keep me busy, a beautiful coast house beckoning me and a fantastic family that supports my decision.
I’ll be spending my time cooking and baking, making candles, creating fibre art, painting, maybe writing that novel, and working on my stand up comedy material… there is plenty to do! I may even volunteer is some capacity?
But for now – it’s time to get moving on the CBR exit strategy.
After five weeks of lockdown in Canberra, I have truly started to appreciate the struggles that my friends in Melbourne, the Central Coast and Sydney have been going though.
I’m thankful I had my children more than 20 years ago. I mean, homeschooling? A big ‘F’ to that! I’m not sure who would’ve survived, me or the kids?
Yeah – it would’ve been me!
But I have been reflecting on how lucky we actually are to live in the digital age – especially during times like this! There are a lot of other things I’ve been really thankful for during lockdown.
#1 – I’m truly thankful for the connectedness provided by the internet and applications such as Facebook, FaceTime and Zoom. I can keep up-to-date with everyone and everything – without leaving my cocoon.
I even signed up for a short beginners stand-up comedy course and debuted my ‘talents’ online! This is turn has led me to find a new hobby that I’m totally into. In between making candles and knitting up a macrame storm, I make time to write down short notes and insights on shit that I think is super funny!!! Laughter is the best medicine, right?
Check out some of the online live standup happening around the nation – there are shows all the time!
#2 – I’m sure I’m not the only one grateful for streaming services… whether you prefer Netflix, Stan, Disney, or Amazon – there is always something to watch!
Streaming comes even comes with added bonuses. No advertisements! I’m happy to pay a monthly fee to not have to listen to the jingle from that stupid NRMA/Koala bullshit excuse for an ad.
#3 – Internet shopping. From MenuLog, through to Myer, and HelloFresh – everything I want (other than a big fat Mango Magic from Boost ) is just a click and delivery away. I do have to send a big shout out to all the delivery guys – they’ve been absolutely flat out! And my driveway is a killer!
#4 – Click’n’collect! Ingenious money saving scheme – no browsing and buying shit I don’t need. But it does annoy me that not all retail is open – there are some things you just can’t but at Woolies or Bunnings…
I do think I’ll continue shopping online and clicking/collecting after lockdown. I much prefer doing my groceries online and just picking them up. I don’t have to deal with checkout queues, the pressure of self-serve, or seeing people shopping in bare feet!
#5 – Finally, I am super grateful for the scientists behind the development of vaccinations. I’ve rolled my sleeves up and have been double jabbed. I’m ready to get this nation opened up.
I’ll be honest, I’m a selfish bitch… getting vaccinated wasn’t about protecting others – it was about protecting myself.
Good grief! I haven’t posted to my blog at all this year! My blogging was a clogging.
I suppose I really didn’t know how to explain what I was experiencing, and was unsure if I was ready to share this part of my journey.
But… to hell with it… when is one ever truly ready for anything?
If you’ve read my blog, you’d be totally aware of the ride I’ve been on for the last three years. While this roller coaster had many twists, turns, ups and downs – something terrible also happened along the way.
Somewhere and sometime during this unexpected trek that I embarked on, I lost something very important and special to me.
I lost me.
I lost the person I was.
I had changed.
I became an expert at smoke and mirrors. I became adept at the deflect.
While people still saw the old me, in reality all they were actually seeing was brilliantly crafted facade. Gotta give myself some credit – I can still bullshit with the best of them.
The self realisation that I had in fact changed, came as a massive shock. It sucker-punched me square in the jaw and I did not see it coming. But it came nonetheless.
The changes I experienced were small to begin with, but they started to snowball in the latter part of last year and over Christmas. Then it all fell to pieces in February.
I felt… broken. Physically not psychologically.
Finding myself in the depths of internalised despair. Not sure how to cope, deal with and move on – I took my own advice and went to see my doctor. After breaking down into a blubbering ball of boogers, it became quite obvious that I needed to take a leave of absence. It was time to take time and get some answers.
The first answer that was offered up by my new neurologist was depression. I mean, I understand I was a total snot monster when I was describing my symptoms – but I was far from depressed. I was genuinely upset about the fact that I could no longer read books because I was struggling to retain new information…
I was surprised when he asked me if maybe it was in my head. Maybe I just thought I couldn’t read. FFS….
It took this guy five minutes – FIVE FUCKING MINUTES – to label it depression. It just felt like he was trying to take an easy out… A woman crying in my office? “Here’s a prescription for antidepressants.” “Yes, yes, we’ll run a range of tests” “You should consider seeing a psychologist” TOTAL BRUSH OFF!
Our differences aside, he agreed to send me for a range of scans, tests and studies. The best thing was I was referral to a brilliant neuropsychologist. I went to see her, she listened to my story, comforted me and then blew me away with her suggestion that I was actually grieving the person I used to be.
Grieving? Was I grieving?
Google that shit… The five phases of grief.
LIGHTBULB!
Phase 1: Denial
Well that pretty much covers the period between March 2019 and January 2021. For nearly two years I have been… processing… overwhelmed by the changes I was experiencing and refusing to acknowledge the loss of my former self. I obviously needed that time to try and come to terms with my new reality – to reflect on my previous experiences in an effort to return to that person again.
Phase 2: Anger
Damn straight I was angry! I was angry for not being honest with myself. I was angry about the circumstances that got me to this point. Angry that the things I loved to do were taken away from me. Angry that I was no longer at the top of my game at work. Angry because I didn’t know what was going on.
Phase 3: Bargaining
Dwelling on what I could’ve done to not get to this point. Lots of “If only’s…” and “What if’s…”. I’m afraid to admit that even I resorted to trying to strike a deal with a higher power in an effort to regain my former self. Well, no surprise that not even the devil himself wanted to make a deal with me – my ass is probs already on his list already!
No deal…
Phase 4: Sadness
As I began to understand what I have lost and the effect this will have on my life going forward, I have to admit I’ve been sad. I’ve cried, had sleepless nights, felt overwhelmed, regretful, and alone. Been there, done that…. next.
Stage 5: Acceptance
This is where I am now – this final stage of grief. I am beginning to accept the reality of my loss. I get that it is likely that my new reality can’t be changed. While I still feel sad about it, I’m not going to let sadness define me – I’ll keep moving forward with my life.
So, where to from here?
Well, I’m still running through the full gambit of tests, scans and assessments. I’m still seeing multiple specialists and will be re-seen by them. Money, money, money… I feel like been a horny teenager at a strip club! Dollar here, dollar there, dollars flying freaking everywhere.
But I need answers, an outcome, a prognosis and I’m willing to pay for it.
It is getting very close to the end of this wretched year known as 2020… and I find myself starting to reminisce about the year that has been.
I swear this year went by super fast. Well for me it did anyway. There were definitely some days and a few weeks where it felt like time stood still. I often felt like I was caught in a never-ending loop of similarity. It was a groundhoggy type of year.
I don’t think the 24/7 news cycle helped either – it just felt repetitive. The same awful stories were on a rinse and repeat cycle. Over and over and over… same shit, different day. Continual vision of the devastating bushfires that swept through the east coast of Australia. The unbelievable speed of the pandemic and the death toll that it left in its wake. The pathetic politics that have played out across the world.
I often found myself craving and longing for good news stories – just like the deserts miss the rain. To satisfy my hunger for something fresh, I found myself signing up and strolling through the forest of digital streaming. The myriad of programs to watch astounded me. I can’t believe one can simply just watch what they want, when they want… well most of the time anyway? No freakin commercials, no Murdoch biased news, just funny mofos making me laugh. Thank the heavens for comedic relief!
So, what does 2021 have in store for the old Gabster, I wonder?
I hope that whatever the year brings it’s starts with an F-word… I’ll take fantastic, fun, fearless, fascinating and flourishing. I could’ve gone with something like fit, firm and fabulous… but fuck that – The Ferraro’s, flicks and fantasy TV have my FULL attention.
Here’s to the end of 2020 – let’s not do that again. I hope all my family and friends have a fun and fabulous festive season – another four F-words…
It’s official. There is even certificate and celebratory gift on the way. Thirty freakin years of working in the public service. Let the celebrations begin?
Not really sure why 30 years of working for the man is something to celebrate. I have given them more than half of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have had many great opportunities, worked with great people, and helped implement major reforms which more than a million families have benefited from. It has been great!
I’m just not sure how much fuel I have left in the tank. How long can I keep doing the public service dance. Some days it feels like a slow waltz. While I don’t mind the old quick step cause it can be fun, some days feel like I’m in the mosh pit at a death metal concert. And I ain’t no death metal fan!
I think I’m serious about seriously considering moving on.
I definitely don’t have tinea, so maybe its my length of tenure that is causing my itchy feet? Or is it all the crap I’ve been through over the last two years making me continually reassess what’s important to me? Or is it simply the siren call of the beach shack – beckoning me to make a more permanent move and give up the Canberra life?
The temptation of early retirement… oooh, it’s there alright! I can freakin taste it! I’ve even done the math!
I know I’m only 48, and with life expectancies the way they are and modern medicine, I’ll probably live for another 48 years… but if I truly think about it? I really think I may be done! Done with work, done with the routine, done with the bullshit! Maybe even done with Canberra?
What in God’s name actually keeps me here? Other than my amazeballs family, I can’t think of many reasons to stay. Of course there are finances to consider, but how much does one actually need? I’m expert at spending I know, but could I also become an expert at being frugal? Maybe?
The best thing? I have plenty of options… I think I’ll keep pondering my future for now. No need to make rash decisions. There’s plenty of time!
It’s been a while since my last update. The world has been a little bit bonkers with the COVID crap, so I’ve been a bit slack with the blogging.
So what is new with me? I’ve been finding my new normal! Yes I know, I was never ‘normal’ to begin with… shhhh! I’m not far from my old self, but I’m damn close to it!
I was finally allowed to colour my hair! While I think I totally rocked the grey hair, and I liked the natural thing, I felt a little… dull? So it was time for a pick me up, I went pink! It was for a good cause – June was breast cancer awareness month. I raised some cash and got to feel funky! Well it’s July now, and the hair still has a pink tinge! This may now be the new normal – on the hair front ! Feels fun and so Me!
I’ve also managed to write two chapters of my sci-fi novel. It’s not a speedy process, and being a little anally retentive doesn’t help. But it’s a work in progress. I’ve shared early drafts with a few peeps and the feedback has been good. I also think I’m falling in love with my computer narrator! When he reads my words back to me, it’s just a little bit on the sexy side! Maybe that’s why I also love Big Brother? Who knew that digitally generated male voices could be a bit of a turn on? Okay, my new normal is definitely not normal!
While the COVID crap has been… crap, I have loved the isolation life! I have loved working in my PJs with hair like sulphur crested cockatoo! No bra, uggies on, music cranking… when work starts to feel like a hobby? That’s not freaking normal!
My dogs make great office companions, but they’re really shit with office gossip! Their breath stinks and they fart a lot… it’s the dogs, I swear!
My iso-ass has gotten a little wider. I blame the short trips to the coffee shop. What used to be 15 minute round trip is now only 15 steps. Damn this working from home… no! The no bra thing is still up there with the bonuses!
When lazy dogs become working dogs!
While my weight may have creeped up the dreaded scale, my bank balance definitely saw improvements. Well it was improving. Then I rediscovered my love of online shopping! Now my bank balance is back to normal! I know it’s not my job to single handedly stimulate the economy, but I gave it a red hot go! One of the perks of working from home- you start to realise how expensive it is just to go to work! Damn I spent a lot of money on parking, petrol, coffee and lunches when I was in the actual office. Now, I shop… simple.. NORMAL!
All bullshit and humour aside… what a massive freaking year it’s been:
I’ve survived six surgeries
We became a family of five (the boy’s GF moved in)
I started a new exciting job in the city (not so new and exciting anymore)
We finally purchased our dream coastal getaway…
But the best thing about 2019 is the improvement in my health… yeah sure it all went to shit in January, and I’m still not 100 per cent, but I’m way better now than I was! Things have definitely improved. My energy is returning and I don’t feel awful all the time – just some of the time! I’ve even managed to have a few dips in the pool this summer!
I think the thing I’m most proudest of is my resilience… I’ve been to hell and back multiple times and survived to tell the tale. I’ve even retained my sick sense of humour.
I’m also super proud of my hubby, who has become a superstar in dealing with medical emergencies…
The dream coastal getaway has been beckoning to us and unfortunately we haven’t been able to spend as much time down there as we’d like. Mostly due to work interfering with our personal lives! However the bushfires on the South Coast are beyond crazy!
While the hubby was eager to get down there, I was super concerned about the bushfires! I still remember the 2003 Canberra Bushfires… I was not prepared to go through that again. So I pulled my “Did you die this year?” card and he reluctantly agreed that we should stay in Canberra… thank fuck! It is absolutely apocalyptic down there! Of course hubby is now claiming it was his call to stay here – but we all secretly know who’s hand controls that puppet!
Regardless, I’m pretty sure the beach shack will be safe. I suspect it may have a smell… this will likely be a combo of smoke and mouldy food… some of those items in the fridge will be on the nose since the power has been cut! Ewwwww!
But, the house is just a house. I have my health and my actual home.
Today was a weird day… Out of nowhere, my emotions just crept up on me and went “Boo!”
I did not expect that bumping into an old colleague at Woolies, with her super cute new baby, would make me tear up and put me on a mini emotional roller coaster ride! I had to excuse myself and bury myself in the zucchini’s… I hope she didn’t notice (how embarrassing).
Why the hell did that happen? Maybe my blog hasn’t been as cathartic as I thought it would be… I thought I’d dealt with the emotional trauma of multiple brain surgeries? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just super tired after being back at work full-time for three weeks and am sick of trying to keep my shit together. Maybe hiding behind sarcasm and wit doesn’t always work. Maybe writing this post has me thinking negatively!
Or maybe, just maybe, I was a little jealous?
Here she stood in front of me, looking as fabulous as ever, with her gorgeous baby boy. She looked so freakin good and happy it just made me a little sad. A little sad for myself. Don’t get me wrong – I am genuinely happy for her. It’s fucking awesome that she has a new baby! I suppose I just wish I was younger and healthier. I miss those days when a lack of sleep from a baby crying was the most annoying thing about my life!
I think today was just a shitty day. First, I woke up with a headache… my eyes felt like they were getting worse… then the spring winds played havoc with my hair… I dropped my coffee… and now I’m home and totally uninspired for dinner.
I think I’ll write today off and go to bed early. Start again tomorrow.
15 minutes later…..
OMG… I’m starving… let’s get KFC!
Nothin like comfort food to make me feel better… Maybe it’s the potato’n’gravy or a maybe it’s the hormones in the chicken… regardless it’s making me happy!
Brain hack 